Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Long Day. Long Night.

Somewhere between Joshua fussing all evening, my being annoyed with every thing occuring in my presence, and getting beyond frustrated with my ball of yarn which is now one giant knot, I realized that I wouldn't trade any of those annoyances for the world. All it took was Christopher laying Joshua down in our bed, my going into the room, and placing him into my arms to realize that this is what I love, this is what I need, it's where I belong, and it's what I was born to do. Between the 3 rounds of dishes, the sweet potatoes and banana yogurt I can still see on the carpet from dinner with Joshua, the 24 paused on the TV [thank GOD for tivo & dvr] due to Joshua's fussing and us not being able to handle it, I fell in love with my son and my hubby-to-be all over again. 

There are some days when I really think I just can't take it anymore, and I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and cry. And yesterday, I had one of those days. Christopher had a bad day too, and thankfully, and I know I shouldn't say it that way, but thankfully, he was here for all of it. He got up with Joshua. He tended to his cries. He fed him. He changed him. He held him. He rocked him. I didn't touch a diaper or a bottle or an infant spoon until after 3 pm I'd say, and on the day I needed it most, Christopher really proved his daddy skills and his love for not only Joshua, but myself. I really don't know what I would have done without him yesterday, because he's the rock that holds me up, the half that a makes me whole, my best friend, the one I couldn't live without. I know I've got it right this time, and I've never been more proud of myself for the choices I've made in the last 6 months. Thank God I'm finally grounded, he does that to me, and he makes me sane. He saves me everyday! I love you Christopher Robert Hitchings!!!

and Joshua, though I cry, though I scream into my pillow, and shower for 35 minutes just to have those 35 minutes to myself, moving back the shower curtain to see you've opened the door  and are sitting in your walker waiting for me makes me realize that those minutes to myself, though precious and necessary, can never be replaced by the hours, weeks, and years I will spend with you. No matter how frustrated mommy gets, she's mommy, and that'll never change. She loves you with all she has. She will never give up, never give in, and never forget that you're her little boy, her angel, her miracle, and her baby. You're my son, my angel, my future, my love. I fall in love with your deep blue eyes all over again everyday. You make me smile with one touch, and laugh with one smile. Always remember that!!

So, now that it's 20 of 9, we have to be up at like 6 to get to Bangor on time for Christopher's doctors appointment at 820, so I guess we should finish this 24, and get to bed.


No comments: