Thursday, October 28, 2010

*Celebrating Lucy*

As it usually turns out, just when you think you're starting to get the hang of life and your child and your relationship, and like everything is finally turning into the future you'd been trying for, life throws you for a loop. Your perfect world is somewhat halted and another big change is coming, yet it's one you cannot physically prepare for, only words are available for 9 months. But at the end of those long, tiring months... comes a miracle. The blessing of life.

Finding out we were expecting Lucy was a very big surprise for us. We had talked about trying, but had decided we wanted another year between Joshua and his younger sibling. We wanted to try for a baby the fall after he turned 2, so that there would be 3 years between them, we felt this was a good distance and a good starting point for trying. But as you know, when you're busy making plans for your life, God always makes others, and boom... surprise. Joshua had just turned 1 that summer, and it was around the beginning of October when I suspected something was different. Knowing the "pregnant" feeling I felt all over with Joshua, I knew something was happening when I woke up that morning. I didn't want to alarm Chris, and I had done that already for the last 2 weeks by saying I thought I was pregnant, buying tests and having the "not pregnant" words show up, and then being gloomy. Yes, we had talked about waiting, but when there's the chance that it has happened all on its own, it's a little disappointing to know that that one slip up didn't involve making a child, it just was that, a slip up.

It was Friday morning. I had taken a test just two days before, on Wednesday. Wednesday said no. Friday morning I woke up and said "I have to take that other test, I just don't feel myself."... Stupid me, I waited until Chris was gone to work, and then sat in the bathroom for over an hour debating weither or not I'd actually take the test. Finally, I did. Sitting there, waiting, watching the clock, I finally walked away and did dishes. During this 10 minutes, a million things crossed my mind. What would Joshua think? Would he be mad at us? Would he be a good older brother? I mean, I'm sure he would, but what if... We would have to move, there's no way I can cram both kids into one of these bedrooms. I'd have to find a better job, and fast. I was working as a hostess at Ruby Tuesdays, but I'd just started. I was taking a CNA class, but I wouldn't be certified until late December, which means it would take til sometime in January to put me on the state registry. And at that point, would I want to be doing CNA work as a pregnant mother? The thoughts that crossed my mind in that 10 minute time seem enough to fill a book! As I wandered back to the bathroom, I almost didn't look at the test, I didn't want to be disappointed as I had been just 2 days before, and a week before that. But I wasn't. To my surprise there were 2 pink lines. two! I was pregnant! We were going to have a baby... Oh no, we. I have to call Chris.

I sent him a picture of the test. I'm so mean, I know. I should have called and called and called until he answered. Instead I sent him a picture. He called me back, and told me what I expected "I want to be there when you take another test. Please don't tell anyone til we go to the doctors..." He was so scared it wasn't true. Yet he really was so scared that it was. What were we going to do with 2 children?! Joshua drove us crazy as it was then! So we went to the store. He bought me 5 tests, all the kind that say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant", no lines to mess with. He wanted it in words, as simple as could be. We took the tests and every single one said, as I had suspected, "Pregnant". We made an appointment with my doctor for a referral, and from there we began the "do we tell, or do we wait" thought process. Little did he know, I had already told his sister, Meghann. I had to tell someone when I was doing it. I had to, I had no choice. And I knew she'd keep it a secret for me until we were ready. And she did.

When we finally told our parents they were ecstatic. This would be my parents second grandchild, only to Joshua who was the first. Christopher's parents, however, were seasoned grandparents. Meghann had 2 children, Sophia and Cedric, with a third, baby Liam, due in January. So ours would be #5, and probably the final. My father and step-mother however, ours would be their 3rd. My sister and I had been pregnant at the same time the first time, delivering only 10 hours apart. Our children just barely have seperate birthdays, Joshua being born 6/24/2008 at 227 PM and Bella Rose being born 6/25/2008 at 12:14(ish) AM. I was in recovery all night as my father kept running back and forth with news about Stephanie and her progress. I was so happy we got to share those first moments of mommy-hood together, and that our first few years were very similar. So as you would expect, I was thrilled to find out just a few weeks later that Stephanie and her husband were ALSO expecting number 2! Just this time their due dates were exactly a month apart, and we expected them to stand that way. We got to go through the journey again, together.

Fast forward to February. We invited not only our little Joshua, but Chris's parents with us to the "sex finding" ultrasound, as my mother had gone to the first, and his sister Meghann was with us via cell phone. As we're watching every body part be illuminated on the screen, first legs and toes, then arms and hands, a belly, a silly bum, a head, a nose, ears, eyes.. I felt just as taken back on this moment as I did when I first saw Joshua on that screen. It felt like it was just yesterday that I saw his tiny hands waving at me as he proudly showed off his manhood. This one was shy, the baby just didn't want to turn the right way, but when it did, and it stuck it's cute little butt up in the air, we saw... it was missing something vital to make it another little Joshua. It was a girl. Chris exclaimed "Lucy!"... we were all in tears at this point (except Joshua, he was bored now, we'd been cooped up in this little tiny room for far too long according to him!) I thought when I found out Joshua was a boy, that I would never feel that way again. But I did. Lucy, a little girl, Lucy Meghann. It was perfect.

From that point on, we scheduled Lucy's birth. June 28th, 2010 she would arrive. Since Joshua was a C-Section, I had my option to either attempt a natural labor, or go ahead and schedule another C-Section for repeat, and that it was we opted for. I'd been through it all, I'd recovered, and I'd seemed just fine with number 1, and that one was an emergency. I thought for sure I'd be perfect with one that was planned! Oh boy...

Sunday, June 27th, 2010. We dropped Joshua off at my mothers for the night. We figured it'd be easier to let him have a normal nights sleep, a normal wake up pattern, and then he could come to the hospital with my mom when it was time. Chris and I slept like babies. I thought for sure I'd be SO nervous and so scared, but I was wrong. I was ready. It'd for sure been a LONG 9 months. I was 4 days shy of my due date. We expected Lucy to come out like Joshua, a whopping 7 lbs 10.4 oz, which actually seemed big to me. I was only 5lbs 10 oz when I was born, so I was tiny. But Joshua, he was normal. So we got to the hospital Monday morning, and I should have known it'd be a long complicated day from the start. I got nervous, they said they didn't have me written down to be there til 1230, but my doctor specifically had said 3 days ago to be there at 8, and expect a baby by 10! I was shocked. Regardless, they took me right in. The nurses made me feel so comfortable, made sure I had everything I needed, and didn't rush me at all. I thought this would be better than the emergency, rushed feeling of Joshua's birth but again, I was wrong. With it being planned, the OR team had time to take their time, to relax a bit mentally before we went in. I had my IV, I had taken my medicine and drank all the disgusting stuff they ask you to drink, and now here we are, just sitting in pre-op like a couple of fools. I started crying, I cried my eyes out. I told Chris I had changed my mind, I didn't want to do this anymore, I wanted a normal birth. He tried to comfort me but I was a mess, I was beyond controlable at this point. The doctor came in, bless her heart, she tried as well, but I was just an utter mess! I couldn't imagine why I was doing this to myself, going under the knife willingly! Where was my head! But all it took was for them to tell me what would be here in just a short while to calm down.. My Lucy. My little Lucy Meghann. So in we went. It seemed like an eternity for them to get me settled on the COLD, HARD bed and get the spinal in my back and get Chris back in the room. He honestly thought they'd forgotten about him! I thought so too, I just wanted him holding my hand. and he did. He sat there and talked me through every cut, through every tug and pull and shove. He was amazing. For someone who hates the thought of blood and needles and everything else involved, he did amazing. He sat by my side and supported me, and our daughter, in a way I'd never imagined. Chris was my soul mate, my forever, my future, my life. I knew this looking into his eyes that day. I'd never seen him so happy, Lucy was his baby girl, his daughter, his life. He showed it that day.

Finally, Lucy was here. all 6lbs 2 oz of her. She was tiny! When they first handed me the blanket so I could nurse her, I asked if there was even a baby in there, she was so small! I couldn't get my head around it. But she was perfect. 10 fingers, 10 toes, and a full head of hair, and a set of lungs that would make you cry! She was perfect! When I was finally brought back upstairs to LND from recovery, Joshua came running up the hallway to greet me "Mama! Lucy's here! She's not in your belly anymore! And you're here! I love you mama!"... I cried. He broke my heart. He loved his sister already, and he still loved me even though I brought her into this world to torment him. It'll only be a matter of years before he becomes her slave, and she bosses him around like we know she will,but until then, we relish in the times we catch him kissing her, holding her hand, rolling her over, burping her or even simply saying "I need to hold Lucy, I love her..."

My kids are my life. My angels. My everything. I'd do this a million times if I didn't have to deal with the pregnant part, but the outcome is worth it. I love this crazy tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful beautiful life.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

*Loving Joshua*

Since Lucy was born 4 months ago, I've grown to appreciate and love my relationship with Joshua a million times over. While all we have to do to make Lucy happy and stop crying is bring Chris into the room, I realize now how he once felt with Joshua doing the same for me. It's been a magical journey from start to finish, with many bumps along the road, but it's still been a miracle for me. It all started after a long, 6 hour drive home from Vermont...

When I was 16, I was told I would never be able to have children. I suffered from severe endometriosis. I had tried many forms of birth control to try to adjust my situation and had had many surgical procedures done to try to repair and minimize damage, but nothing stopped or slowed the process. I was heartbroken, but by the time all of this came around, I was accepting of the situation and would deal with my wanting children when the time came in the future. Fast forward 4 years... I remember sitting in the bathroom, crying my eyes out, on the phone with my dear friend Taryn Denoncour. She wanted nothing more than to be right there by my side, holding my hand, but being in Orono over an hour ago, a phone call had to do. I clutched that test and told her how scared I was to even go to the bathroom, let alone look at the results. But I knew I had to, I knew life had to change one way or another regardless of the outcome. I was starting a new job the next day. I had just gotten out of a relationship not 8 hours before knowing that something like this could happen. Yet I was anxious in ways I couldn't explain. Seeing that "Pregnant" mark was something that caught me off guard. I thought, well, maybe I could be... but I never imagined it would actually come out a yes, yes Katie, you are going to be a mother. I cried. I cried myself to sleep. I cried all morning getting ready for my first day at work. I had to be there at 11. Before I could go to work, I needed to stop at the local Family Planning office, where my friends mother worked, to get tested for sure by a professional. I was scared, but I knew that the outcome wasn't going to change from what it was 8 hours before. I got my conformation, told them I planned on keeping the baby, and headed for my moms work. I sat in the parking lot writing a letter to my father, I knew there was no way I could tell him to his face what I had done. I was 20. Single. Living with my mother, and for another 2 hours, unemployed. Until I began work at 11 am that morning I did not have a job according to the US Government. I was so scared.

My mom left her teller post and came into the conference room and I broke down. I remember the look on her face as she said "Katie... are you sure? Are you for real? You mean it?"... and then she broke down. My mother had never told me she loved me in such kind and understanding words, and in such a meaningful way. She said she'd do whatever I needed her to do, and that we would do this together, and we would get through it and we could discuss more over dinner that night. She knew I needed to get to work, and I knew she needed to get through her day. If I had stayed any longer at that point neither one of us would have made it through that day. So off I went... my father was next. I went inside to talk to him, and had a normal conversation, the entire time wondering "does he see a difference in his baby girl? do I look different to him?"... odd, I know, but he's my daddy and he has always known when something is wrong, or different, or changing. When I left, I kissed him and hugged him, and handed him my note. I asked him not to read it til his lunch break, and he promised. I left in tears, and arrived to my first day of work a mess, but I made it. I received a phone call from my dad on his lunch break, but I was in training. His message was a mess of emotions, tears, and I love you's. My parents hadn't ever come together for anything in my childhood, but I knew that for this little baby, this tiny being inside of me, they would bond stronger than before, and help me. They both wanted to know who to kill first, but then after a few moments of "this isn't something we can change" thoughts, they took responsibility for my faults and supported me. What I got that day from my parents was something I had needed my entire life, and was more than enthusiastic to receive at that point.

It was a rough road. A really rough road. This was October. By Thanksgiving morning/all day/night sickness had set in, and Christmas was an utter nightmare. Half of my family wanted to help, and half was ashamed of me. I was unwed, uneducated, and hardly employed. I had to leave my new job halfway through my training for recovery from the sever morning sickness, and eventually rejoined the company in January. The end of that month brought a milestone I will never forget.

Along with my mother and my next door neighbor Tammy, I geared up for my sex finding ultra sound. I was so nervous, but had picked out my names and was certain I'd be happy either way. Joshua Joseph, or Sierra Lee. I was ready. I remember sitting in that room watching the screen for over half an hour before the tech finally uttered "Well, would you like to know what you're having?"... I almost said no! Can you believe that? haha... so I shook my head, tears streaming down my face because I had spent the last 30 minutes staring at that child, arms, legs, heart beating, head, nose, toes, fingers... and finally, a penis. A baby boy. My Joshua Joseph. Until his birth, this became the best day of my life.

My due date was always estimated at June 19, 2008. One of my best friends birthdays is that day, and we thought it was perfect. The closer I got, the more anxious I was. I couldn't believe I was going to be a mother. To have my own little boy, a baby, a joy, a responsibility like no other, but I was beyond ready. A few months before Joshua was born I got sick again, and couldn't work. I was out of work for 2 months starting in late April, and was soaking up the time sleeping, sorting through baby gifts, and readying myself, our home, and my life for my son. My due date came and went. 5 days later I had an ultrasound appointment to make sure everything was going fine. The rest of that day feels like 10 minutes to me, because everything happened so fast.

I was taken out of the ultrasound room and into a waiting room. The doctor came in and said "Well Katie, are you ready to have this baby?"... I was shocked. In awe. Surprised. Taken back. Any way you put it, I was beside myself. I was not ready for this! I was rushed to the hospital and taken straight into Labor and Delivery, hooked up to monitors, blood drawn, IV set, and sent down to the OR before you could say "hocus pocus!"... To make my moments in the OR go a little smoother, I got lucky. My mothers cousin, Susie, was working that day down in the OR and she never left my side. Through the spinal, the needles, the blood, the pain, the tears, she was right by my side... with camera in hand. I have some amazing pictures from Joshua's birth that some people just don't get. I have the memories in photo form, because I know I was way too out of it for any of the memories to stay in my mind. I fell asleep shortly after Joshua was delivered and sent back upstairs with my mother. What felt like days was actually less than 2 hours before I got to hold my little angel, go back upstairs, and see my entire smiling family waiting for me with open arms ready and willing to accept Joshua into their less than perfect world.

I brought that little bugger into the world not knowing what I'd get out of it, but over the last 2 1/2 years, my life has not only changed but improved drastically. Joshua continues to amaze me every single day. Right now he's walking around with "daddy's" hat on watching baseball playoffs and naming his colors. He snuggles with me at bedtime, kisses me every chance he gets, and loves to tell me "I love you mommy." He breaks my heart and puts it back together with a smile. He is a blessing, and I wouldn't have had it any other way!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Our Lucy Meghann...

The light of my life. Our daughter is a beautiful, perfect, loving little girl that has changed our lives in so many ways in only 2 months! On Monday, June 28th and 9:35 AM she graced us with her presence and it has been strong ever since. The moment I laid eyes on her I knew we had gotten ourselves into something deeper than we could all handle! When they brought her upstairs with Chris to see Joshua and the rest of our families, he fell in love as well. I never imagined that Joshua would accept, love and care for his sister so quickly and so well, that it has almost taken me by surprise how much I can count on him for assistance. At just 2 years old, he has shown me so much strength and growth in himself, and so much love and understanding for this new addition to our family. He loves her, and she loves him, and it's so obvious it kills me sometimes! He is always needing to "hooooolllddd" her and "give Ucy a bubba" and help change diapers and every last thing he wants to be a part of, weither it's big or small, and it's made our life so perfect and it's made the adjustment so much better than we ever imagined!

Since Lucy was born our lives have taken a change but only for the better for all of us. Chris made the decision to go back to school, and begins classes next Monday online. He's taking 2 courses a semester and with what he had for schooling in Utah and Idaho, should be finished quicker than someone starting from scratch. I couldn't be more proud of him for making this choice for our lives and for our family, and I am going to do all I can to help support his decision and make sure he is successful at it. He is going to continue to work full time at T-Mobile and while we know this might be a struggle at times, it will always be worth it in the end. Along with that, I have gotten a job as well. After going back to school while I was pregnant with Lucy to get my CNA, I have finally decided to put it to good use. I begin work THIS Monday at Lakewood in Waterville and while my training will be daily for 3 weeks, after that I go to part time overnights working 16 hours a week. so 2 nights a week I'm gone during the hours the children are asleep, otherwise, I am home with them. It makes life seem so perfect and it is something that actually works for us for the time being. I'm sure once the kids are old enough for school I will want a daytime job so I'm home when they are and I am able to go to sporting and school events, but for now it's the best option for us and is one we are all content with.

The last 2 months have been amazing to say the least. Being able to spend every single day with Lucy Meghann and Joshua Joseph has made me realize that being a mom really was something I was meant to experience and I couldn't be happier about that way it has turned out. We truly are blessed with the most amazing children, ever.

Much love and blessings to all for wonderful second half of the year <3

Thursday, April 22, 2010

A Lot of Meaningless Comments.

This blog is going to have nothing to do with our growing family, because at the moment, I'm online reading my gossip pages and some things never cease to amaze me.

I clicked on a link about Tiger Woods' handlers being mad at him, because he did something without his wife and kids with him, and I was amazed at what I read. I thought the second I clicked it it would be this terrible story about how he went out and ended up having a walk of shame [or some random bimbo did] the next morning from a hotel room. But no, Tiger went out to a concert, and enjoyed himself, alone, and spent time with the band backstage after. Wow, big surprise, superstar millionaires spending time together, am I supposed to be shocked by this? The article states Elin was back home in Sweden with the kids and her family, where she also stated they would be spending most of the summer. Instead of trying to make this process easier for the kids and the family unit itself, she's packed up and shipped off to another country to run away from the issues that are looming at home. I realize Tiger made a mistake in his marriage, and that he did commit adultry and has broken up his family, but making it even harder on those poor children is worse. They deserve to see their father and he deserves to have them nearby, especially while all he is doing right now is trying to get back out there and earn a living to be able to support those kids and that wife, who will soon be his ex-wife and no doubt will earn more money in child support every month than she would if she got a real job anytime soon. It's just a shame to see his name continue to be dragged through the mud and left out to dry. How many men cheat on their wives every single day and end up leaving them and making huge mistakes and no one cares about that? Just because he's famous doesn't mean we should treat him any differently. Let him live, he's trying to get his life back because as much as everything was taken from Elin in his mistake, he took that life from himself as well. It will be a while before he can look at himself the same again, if that day ever comes, we at least owe him the decency of respect and privacy.

phew. okay.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Times flyin' by, movin' so fast...

"the greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws differences and mistakes, yet still loves everything about you"

I don't know how I got so lucky. Every day I wake up to a beautiful, kind, loving, caring, growing, perfect child. And then I turn to my other side, and there's my amazing, wonderful, supportive, giving, loving sweetheart. And then I look down, and get the "Hey mom, what about me?" kick from inside my belly, and realize that our family is almost perfect. Only a few more months and Miss Lucy Meghann Hitchings will grace us with her presence, and life will never be the same. I knew the moment I met Chris that my life was going to change in big ways because of him, but I never imagined that it could ever possibly in a million years come to this. Through everything, he has been my best friend, my shoulder, my angel, my support system, simply my everything, and I really am blessed to have him as my other half.

Joshua is almost 2. I cannot grasp this yet. How did this happen? Where did the last 2 years go? He amazes me every single day. He's been such a good baby, such an inspiration to me every single day. He gives me the most amazing hugs, and his sloppy kisses are TO DIE FOR! Every day I wake up I ask myself how I honestly got so lucky. I know every parent says this about their children, but I can't begin to explain how much I mean this. He's changed my life in ways I could never explain to someone who didn't know me before he was born. I honestly feel like I'm finally on the right track, like nothing can really go wrong from here.

So, sometime in the next 3 months Miss Lucy will be here. And then there will be 4. 2 and 2. Us and the kids. It's such a strange concept, but it the most amazing, exciting feeling I've ever had!!! :)