Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Long Day. Long Night.

Somewhere between Joshua fussing all evening, my being annoyed with every thing occuring in my presence, and getting beyond frustrated with my ball of yarn which is now one giant knot, I realized that I wouldn't trade any of those annoyances for the world. All it took was Christopher laying Joshua down in our bed, my going into the room, and placing him into my arms to realize that this is what I love, this is what I need, it's where I belong, and it's what I was born to do. Between the 3 rounds of dishes, the sweet potatoes and banana yogurt I can still see on the carpet from dinner with Joshua, the 24 paused on the TV [thank GOD for tivo & dvr] due to Joshua's fussing and us not being able to handle it, I fell in love with my son and my hubby-to-be all over again. 

There are some days when I really think I just can't take it anymore, and I just want to curl up in a ball in my bed and cry. And yesterday, I had one of those days. Christopher had a bad day too, and thankfully, and I know I shouldn't say it that way, but thankfully, he was here for all of it. He got up with Joshua. He tended to his cries. He fed him. He changed him. He held him. He rocked him. I didn't touch a diaper or a bottle or an infant spoon until after 3 pm I'd say, and on the day I needed it most, Christopher really proved his daddy skills and his love for not only Joshua, but myself. I really don't know what I would have done without him yesterday, because he's the rock that holds me up, the half that a makes me whole, my best friend, the one I couldn't live without. I know I've got it right this time, and I've never been more proud of myself for the choices I've made in the last 6 months. Thank God I'm finally grounded, he does that to me, and he makes me sane. He saves me everyday! I love you Christopher Robert Hitchings!!!

and Joshua, though I cry, though I scream into my pillow, and shower for 35 minutes just to have those 35 minutes to myself, moving back the shower curtain to see you've opened the door  and are sitting in your walker waiting for me makes me realize that those minutes to myself, though precious and necessary, can never be replaced by the hours, weeks, and years I will spend with you. No matter how frustrated mommy gets, she's mommy, and that'll never change. She loves you with all she has. She will never give up, never give in, and never forget that you're her little boy, her angel, her miracle, and her baby. You're my son, my angel, my future, my love. I fall in love with your deep blue eyes all over again everyday. You make me smile with one touch, and laugh with one smile. Always remember that!!

So, now that it's 20 of 9, we have to be up at like 6 to get to Bangor on time for Christopher's doctors appointment at 820, so I guess we should finish this 24, and get to bed.


Thursday, January 08, 2009

New Year, New Home, New Beginnings!

Well! 2009 is here! what a relief! I really am excited to begin a new year, with a new outlook on where my life is going. Having Joshua turned 2008 around for me, and it began a transformation I thought would never come. I've realized what's important in my life. Joshua is my number one priority, he is my savior, my light in the dark, and my main purpose for being here now. The midnight wakings and the early mornings are no longer a big deal to me, they are our special time, our bonding time. And I'll be honest, not having to jump each time in the night when he wakes up is a great help as well in me getting better and getting where I am now. Having Chris wake up to his crying and jump to go get his pacifier, or change his diaper and feed him a bottle to get back to sleep, is beyond helpful, it's really saving me from going crazy! We've been staying the night [and packing a bag every few days from my mothers house] since the end of of November, and finally this past week we got everything all moved in. All we really have left is the crib, but that's fine because Joshua sleeps just as well in his pack & play in his room as he would if the crib were here yet. Within the next few weeks we will get it from my mothers house though! So here I sit, a Thursday morning, Chris is at work, Joshua's taking a nap on our bed, and I'm watching What Not To Wear on our huge big screen tv, flipping through what's recorded on the DVR, and wondering if life could get more perfect... I really don't think at this point it could. Eventually, hopefully soon, I will find something for work, part time is what we are hoping for, and I'll be able to help with some of the bills, but for the time being, I couldn't think of a single complaint on life and how it is. Just this morning I got up before Chris, fed Joshua, packed Chris a lunch, cleaned off his car, did dishes, and felt more like a mother/live-in-girlfriend than I ever have in the 6 months I've been a mom. It's hard to believe how far our family has come in the last few months, having things going the way they are between Chris and I, having Chris turn himself into a father almost instantly, and having instant in-laws and extra grandparents [not to mention an Aunt, Uncle & 2 cousins] for Joshua is a blessing!

I'm so excited about what more will come in 2009! Hope everyone had a great, happy, safe new years and holiday season