Friday, October 14, 2011

Mommy Minds.

As mommy's, I know I myself, and lots of others, are guilty of one terrible this: judgement. Not only are we feeling judged by everyone outside of our immediate home, but we are judging. Most surprising is the first person we judge every time we leave the comfort of our own home: ourselves. We try not to do it, we even vow not to before we become a mommy, but it's almost inevitable, like the devil sitting on your shoulder telling you not to eat the extra cookies after the kids go to bed.

I've judged just about everything I once said I wouldn't. It doesn't matter if it's the boy at the playground whose mom is too busy on her Blackberry to watch him across the monkey bars the first time, or the little girl who gets dropped off at soccer because mommy has errands to run, or the mom torn between her infant child and toddler running all around. I used to take too long to realize that it is because each of them have a different story, and I don't know what underlying causes have made it so they are absent in certain aspects, but I seem to take no time wondering what I would do to make the situation better if they were me. It wasn't until Lucy was born that I realized there was so much more to life when you expand your family from one child to multiple children. I suddenly felt like my heart was being torn, and I was stretching myself thin between two beautiful babies that I created myself. I didn't realize before this that it would take time, and probably lots of it, before we adjusted and were used to sharing our love, sharing our time and sharing our space. Joshua had grown so accustomed to having our full attention, but he adjusted the best! So needless to say, the time stretch and share is no longer something I judge on other moms. I no longer wonder why that boy is alone on the slide while mommy feeds the baby, or why mommy (or daddy!) are sitting in the car with their little brother during soccer practice. And a constant thing I have to remind myself as well, is that I am being judged by other moms, and other non-moms too. This was proven to me on my first trip out of the house from having my first child, I remember it like it was yesterday: I was craving ice cream, it was July, so why not drive the 500 feet down the road to the ice cream shop? Sure! So I got in the car (and left my D.S. with my mother) and enjoyed the minute drive in silence, no screaming no diapers no bottles just me and my car. The moment I got out of the car, I was spotted. The prettiest girl from my high school was in front of me, and of course, I had always envied her, maybe even more this day when she was standing there 110 lbs in short shorts and a tight fitting tank top. What was I wearing? My maternity pants that still fit my 165lb baby making body and a loose t-shirt, hair a mess, not remembering the last time I had showered. Pleasantries were made, congratulations on the baby, and for her in her quest for a degree in something Psychology related... and off we went. Did I mention we were best friends from age 8-13. It felt like two strangers meeting in a bar, and I walked away from that moment feeling so little and so judged. I guess that was one of the first moments I vowed to change my point of view.

Another thing I find myself constantly guilty of is exactly that... Guilt. I feel guilty when I do anything for myself that doesn't create a positive outcome for the kids or my significant other. Getting my nails done doesn't make anyone happy but me, so why do I bother? A haircut, why worry, it's just going to grow back! And more recently... a concert with my girlfriends in another town, an hour away. Of course I went anyway, but the amount of guilt I felt leaving the kids at a babysitter (which would be followed by dinner and playtime at Nana's) was unexplainable. My S.O. golfs 2 days a week and works out of the home, so why don't I deserve a day or two away as well? I just can't explain the reasoning for the guilt, but it's there. Even though my kids are happy when they get to enjoy an evening with my mother, why do I still feel guilty for having fun while they are?! This mommy stuff is confusing!

Saturday, October 08, 2011

Fall.. Winter.. Summer...

It's October, but the weather in Maine really isn't sure what it wants to do right now. Two weeks ago, it was 80 degrees and beautiful, with some rain and thunderstorms looming every night. Last week it was 50 and frigid, getting down to 28 degrees F at night, leaving frost on my windows and causing me to scrape my car before my Thursday class. This weekend, as of right now at 914 AM it is 46 degrees and sunny, but the weekend forecast says 75 and sunny. I'm used to winter lasting too long, or fall coming too soon, but this flip flop forecast has my sinuses all screwed up, and my kids clothing choices slim! I put away the summer clothes, shorts and tank tops and light t-shirts, mid September, thinking it was almost time for sweatshirts and fleece pants. I love fall, fall in Maine is beautiful. The leaves all change colors, Joshua finds reasons to want to go outside to "collect things" like pine cones, pine needles and maple leaves, we go apple picking, Halloween comes and it gives Meghann and Jared an excuse to come up for a long weekend before the Holiday season begins.

I love watching Joshua learn new things, so far this fall we have accomplished potty training, and writing our name. We have been blessed by a week long visit from my brother, Joshua's best friend Uncle Adam. Adam was here at my mothers for a whole week and 6 of those 7 days Joshua spent every moment possible with him. Both kids are really captivated by Adam, and I couldn't be happier in the role that my brother plays in their life. I'm also enjoying this fall because it's the final fall I have with my baby boy before he can start pre-school. Technically he could have started this year, but we were unsure of our living situation and didn't want him to sign up for something we couldn't follow through with. So we are staying home at 3, and starting him at 4. So far this fall as a 3 year old he has gone through 1 session of gymnastics, and started session 2 this week, and is IN LOVE with it! He is having so much fun spending Wednesday mornings with 4 other kids his age, running around, doing "moose rolls" and silly dances. He is so independent, I'm really glad we've allowed him to chose his own activities and only hope he continues to chose what HE really wants in the future.

Lucy is growing so quickly. It's so strange to imagine that Joshua was her age when we found out we were pregnant with her. She is my baby, and she seems to be growing too fast. I don't think she realizes she is the end of the line for mommy and daddy! She, like her brother, is the most independent little 16 month old I have ever known. She wont let you feed her, no matter how much of a mess she makes, and she has grown 8+ teeth in 4 months! At her first birthday, we had 0 teeth in that little mouth of hers, and now it's like they just keep coming!

Chris and I are busy planning our wedding, April 21 2012. It seems crazy almost that we have waited this long. My friends son turned 3 today, and I remember that day so well because Chris and I went to the hospital to see them together. This month was the beginning of us, 3 years ago, and I wouldn't trade a moment of it for the world. I really can't wait to be his wife. Along with that, we are also starting to gather the information needed for him to adopt Joshua so he can legally be his father. The next 6 months are going to bring so much joy to our little family I cannot begin to explain how excited we are for the future :)