Thursday, October 28, 2010

*Celebrating Lucy*

As it usually turns out, just when you think you're starting to get the hang of life and your child and your relationship, and like everything is finally turning into the future you'd been trying for, life throws you for a loop. Your perfect world is somewhat halted and another big change is coming, yet it's one you cannot physically prepare for, only words are available for 9 months. But at the end of those long, tiring months... comes a miracle. The blessing of life.

Finding out we were expecting Lucy was a very big surprise for us. We had talked about trying, but had decided we wanted another year between Joshua and his younger sibling. We wanted to try for a baby the fall after he turned 2, so that there would be 3 years between them, we felt this was a good distance and a good starting point for trying. But as you know, when you're busy making plans for your life, God always makes others, and boom... surprise. Joshua had just turned 1 that summer, and it was around the beginning of October when I suspected something was different. Knowing the "pregnant" feeling I felt all over with Joshua, I knew something was happening when I woke up that morning. I didn't want to alarm Chris, and I had done that already for the last 2 weeks by saying I thought I was pregnant, buying tests and having the "not pregnant" words show up, and then being gloomy. Yes, we had talked about waiting, but when there's the chance that it has happened all on its own, it's a little disappointing to know that that one slip up didn't involve making a child, it just was that, a slip up.

It was Friday morning. I had taken a test just two days before, on Wednesday. Wednesday said no. Friday morning I woke up and said "I have to take that other test, I just don't feel myself."... Stupid me, I waited until Chris was gone to work, and then sat in the bathroom for over an hour debating weither or not I'd actually take the test. Finally, I did. Sitting there, waiting, watching the clock, I finally walked away and did dishes. During this 10 minutes, a million things crossed my mind. What would Joshua think? Would he be mad at us? Would he be a good older brother? I mean, I'm sure he would, but what if... We would have to move, there's no way I can cram both kids into one of these bedrooms. I'd have to find a better job, and fast. I was working as a hostess at Ruby Tuesdays, but I'd just started. I was taking a CNA class, but I wouldn't be certified until late December, which means it would take til sometime in January to put me on the state registry. And at that point, would I want to be doing CNA work as a pregnant mother? The thoughts that crossed my mind in that 10 minute time seem enough to fill a book! As I wandered back to the bathroom, I almost didn't look at the test, I didn't want to be disappointed as I had been just 2 days before, and a week before that. But I wasn't. To my surprise there were 2 pink lines. two! I was pregnant! We were going to have a baby... Oh no, we. I have to call Chris.

I sent him a picture of the test. I'm so mean, I know. I should have called and called and called until he answered. Instead I sent him a picture. He called me back, and told me what I expected "I want to be there when you take another test. Please don't tell anyone til we go to the doctors..." He was so scared it wasn't true. Yet he really was so scared that it was. What were we going to do with 2 children?! Joshua drove us crazy as it was then! So we went to the store. He bought me 5 tests, all the kind that say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant", no lines to mess with. He wanted it in words, as simple as could be. We took the tests and every single one said, as I had suspected, "Pregnant". We made an appointment with my doctor for a referral, and from there we began the "do we tell, or do we wait" thought process. Little did he know, I had already told his sister, Meghann. I had to tell someone when I was doing it. I had to, I had no choice. And I knew she'd keep it a secret for me until we were ready. And she did.

When we finally told our parents they were ecstatic. This would be my parents second grandchild, only to Joshua who was the first. Christopher's parents, however, were seasoned grandparents. Meghann had 2 children, Sophia and Cedric, with a third, baby Liam, due in January. So ours would be #5, and probably the final. My father and step-mother however, ours would be their 3rd. My sister and I had been pregnant at the same time the first time, delivering only 10 hours apart. Our children just barely have seperate birthdays, Joshua being born 6/24/2008 at 227 PM and Bella Rose being born 6/25/2008 at 12:14(ish) AM. I was in recovery all night as my father kept running back and forth with news about Stephanie and her progress. I was so happy we got to share those first moments of mommy-hood together, and that our first few years were very similar. So as you would expect, I was thrilled to find out just a few weeks later that Stephanie and her husband were ALSO expecting number 2! Just this time their due dates were exactly a month apart, and we expected them to stand that way. We got to go through the journey again, together.

Fast forward to February. We invited not only our little Joshua, but Chris's parents with us to the "sex finding" ultrasound, as my mother had gone to the first, and his sister Meghann was with us via cell phone. As we're watching every body part be illuminated on the screen, first legs and toes, then arms and hands, a belly, a silly bum, a head, a nose, ears, eyes.. I felt just as taken back on this moment as I did when I first saw Joshua on that screen. It felt like it was just yesterday that I saw his tiny hands waving at me as he proudly showed off his manhood. This one was shy, the baby just didn't want to turn the right way, but when it did, and it stuck it's cute little butt up in the air, we saw... it was missing something vital to make it another little Joshua. It was a girl. Chris exclaimed "Lucy!"... we were all in tears at this point (except Joshua, he was bored now, we'd been cooped up in this little tiny room for far too long according to him!) I thought when I found out Joshua was a boy, that I would never feel that way again. But I did. Lucy, a little girl, Lucy Meghann. It was perfect.

From that point on, we scheduled Lucy's birth. June 28th, 2010 she would arrive. Since Joshua was a C-Section, I had my option to either attempt a natural labor, or go ahead and schedule another C-Section for repeat, and that it was we opted for. I'd been through it all, I'd recovered, and I'd seemed just fine with number 1, and that one was an emergency. I thought for sure I'd be perfect with one that was planned! Oh boy...

Sunday, June 27th, 2010. We dropped Joshua off at my mothers for the night. We figured it'd be easier to let him have a normal nights sleep, a normal wake up pattern, and then he could come to the hospital with my mom when it was time. Chris and I slept like babies. I thought for sure I'd be SO nervous and so scared, but I was wrong. I was ready. It'd for sure been a LONG 9 months. I was 4 days shy of my due date. We expected Lucy to come out like Joshua, a whopping 7 lbs 10.4 oz, which actually seemed big to me. I was only 5lbs 10 oz when I was born, so I was tiny. But Joshua, he was normal. So we got to the hospital Monday morning, and I should have known it'd be a long complicated day from the start. I got nervous, they said they didn't have me written down to be there til 1230, but my doctor specifically had said 3 days ago to be there at 8, and expect a baby by 10! I was shocked. Regardless, they took me right in. The nurses made me feel so comfortable, made sure I had everything I needed, and didn't rush me at all. I thought this would be better than the emergency, rushed feeling of Joshua's birth but again, I was wrong. With it being planned, the OR team had time to take their time, to relax a bit mentally before we went in. I had my IV, I had taken my medicine and drank all the disgusting stuff they ask you to drink, and now here we are, just sitting in pre-op like a couple of fools. I started crying, I cried my eyes out. I told Chris I had changed my mind, I didn't want to do this anymore, I wanted a normal birth. He tried to comfort me but I was a mess, I was beyond controlable at this point. The doctor came in, bless her heart, she tried as well, but I was just an utter mess! I couldn't imagine why I was doing this to myself, going under the knife willingly! Where was my head! But all it took was for them to tell me what would be here in just a short while to calm down.. My Lucy. My little Lucy Meghann. So in we went. It seemed like an eternity for them to get me settled on the COLD, HARD bed and get the spinal in my back and get Chris back in the room. He honestly thought they'd forgotten about him! I thought so too, I just wanted him holding my hand. and he did. He sat there and talked me through every cut, through every tug and pull and shove. He was amazing. For someone who hates the thought of blood and needles and everything else involved, he did amazing. He sat by my side and supported me, and our daughter, in a way I'd never imagined. Chris was my soul mate, my forever, my future, my life. I knew this looking into his eyes that day. I'd never seen him so happy, Lucy was his baby girl, his daughter, his life. He showed it that day.

Finally, Lucy was here. all 6lbs 2 oz of her. She was tiny! When they first handed me the blanket so I could nurse her, I asked if there was even a baby in there, she was so small! I couldn't get my head around it. But she was perfect. 10 fingers, 10 toes, and a full head of hair, and a set of lungs that would make you cry! She was perfect! When I was finally brought back upstairs to LND from recovery, Joshua came running up the hallway to greet me "Mama! Lucy's here! She's not in your belly anymore! And you're here! I love you mama!"... I cried. He broke my heart. He loved his sister already, and he still loved me even though I brought her into this world to torment him. It'll only be a matter of years before he becomes her slave, and she bosses him around like we know she will,but until then, we relish in the times we catch him kissing her, holding her hand, rolling her over, burping her or even simply saying "I need to hold Lucy, I love her..."

My kids are my life. My angels. My everything. I'd do this a million times if I didn't have to deal with the pregnant part, but the outcome is worth it. I love this crazy tragic, sometimes almost magic, awful beautiful life.

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